The Eternal Gift of God

To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.

Two-and-a-half decades. A quarter century. Twenty-five years and recently, each passing one has felt like three.

At 5 years old, I was an innocent, bright-eyed child — rambunctious, loudmouthed, refreshingly direct, filled with a sense of wonder freshly arrived to a brave new world and already a bit too clever for my own good.

At 10, I was an emotional child — filled with raw passion, anger and ambition, and a thirst to prove myself, but still with an innate sense of optimism, despite beginning to realize just how different I was from those around me.

At 15, I had become reclusive, somewhat bitter and jaded, worn down by the cruelty of children all too ready to abuse those society has deemed it appropriate to bring low — the colored, the Muslims, the obese, the immigrants, the introverts. Imagine all that in one body. But if nothing else, I knew that there was one thing no one could tear down — my mind.

At 20, I was a not-quite-man, lost, filled with unspeakable fear and a sense that I was drowning in a sea whose depths I could not fathom and yet too proud and too arrogant to ever admit it, even to myself. All my academic talents and intellectual flair had seemingly abandoned me; nothing I tried came off as easily as it once had. I felt like I was losing the one thing I had prized above all others. A big fish in a small pond turned to a minnow in the sea.

Now, at 25, I am becoming something else altogether, though I am, as yet, not entirely sure what, but I like where it’s going. I’ve heard it said that the same hammer that shatters glass forges steel — and though we emerge stronger for the experience, that transformation comes at a princely cost. No object, once broken, is ever put back together the same way.

Often, in quiet moments, shrouded in smoke in the dark corners of a seedy cafe, or barreling down a freeway at 120kph, I find my thoughts wandering adrift, treading water in a vast sea populated by weighty notions of justice, honor, duty, sacrifice, virtue and purpose, amongst other, more nebulous, ideas that I struggle to articulate even in my most vigorous episodes of intellectual acuity. To openly and vocally grapple with these concepts, for some reason portrays a distasteful air of self-importance, inviting scorn or ridicule, as though we have no business litigating them in the public sphere; that such discussions should be reserved for a creatively sterile classroom, drunken nights in hazy dorm rooms or otherwise confined to the solemn privacy of our innermost thoughts. To avoid offending delicate sensibilities, society demands we don masks of indifference, to veil our curiosity and ambition with a crude veneer of banality and prosaism.

But the universe cares little for our notions of propriety — their inevitability demands these ideas become imminent considerations for all of us at some point or another and recurrently so. My favourite film is Ridley Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven, a 2005 historical drama that explores these concepts through the lens of the Crusades and the ethical struggles of Balian of, the bastard son and chosen heir of Godfrey, the Baron of Ibelin and an important noble of the Kingdom of Jerusalem. Upon his death, Balian assumes his father’s mantle and takes up his sword to defend the Holy Land against both Saladin’s Saracen armies and the moral decay from which it is slowly withering internally.

Humanity’s pursuit of wealth, luxury, status, glory and the creature comforts that accompany them is a tale well documented, woven throughout history and recounted since time immemorial. For most, carrying this torch will suffice. We are conditioned from infancy to treasure the material world, while short shrift is given to matters of the spirit and of the heart. But for others there comes a time when the colors of the world turn to grey, when the finest foods turn to ash in your mouth, and the softest silks and most glamorous adornments turn to coarsest stone. It is then that you realize that your social status, your vaunted elite education, your wealth and your privilege are all worth so much less than you’ve been led to believe. Shiny baubles meant to signify to others that you matter — useful baubles to be sure, but baubles nonetheless.

And so, I have to ask, what follows?

What follows when wealth and glory lose their appeal? When luxury loses its luster? When your most flagrant desires turn to dying embers in the recesses of your heart?

What do you do when the passions and causes to which you had committed yourself for as long as you can remember no longer move you as they once did?

When all else falls away, what remains to set your heart alight with vitality and purpose?

The vacuousness of ordinary life becomes troublingly apparent when the light exits and we are left to confront humanity’s darkness, manifest in the demons that run amok in the shadows of our own minds. Guilt, shame, self-doubt, self-loathing, greed, wrath, envy. The very creatures of the deep that we all grapple with at some point or another. To move forward, we try to keep them at bay, to banish them by any means possible so that we can sleep soundly at night. We derive purpose and fulfillment by chasing ever greater markers of success: more prestigious jobs, larger houses, shinier cars, more beautiful partners. The rat race never ends, and yet we all keep on running regardless. The moment you stop, the futility of it all becomes clear. Humanity’s darkness is no longer hidden, but rather bared, in all its hideousness, for all those with discerning eyes to witness.

In my experience, I’ve found success not by rejecting my demons, but in leashing them, bringing them to heel, and putting them to work for my own purposes. Guilt, shame, insecurity, fear, anger, envy — they make for excellent tinder to set aflame a new blaze of resolve — a raging inferno infinitely brighter than anything that came before. In embracing my own darkness, and exposing it to the light, I found new strength and gained new power, one I did not believe myself capable of wielding. And though my demons haven’t gone anywhere, they no longer rule. They are instead mine to command. And yet they must still be directed towards a new purpose; for once you have conquered the demons within, it comes time to conquer those that roam the Earth.

Upon reclaiming his lost son, Godfrey anoints him as his heir, the successor to his titles, and a knight of Jerusalem. During the ceremony, Godfrey swears him to an oath: “Be without fear in the face of your enemies. Be brave and upright that God may love thee. Speak the truth always, even if it leads to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong.” In my estimation — it is better to be a man of high character than a man of high status. Focus on building virtue, not wealth. When you pass from this world, let them remember you for being one who pours himself into others and the world around him. Two years ago, I wrote in this space about acts of grace — reactive behaviors rooted in generosity of spirit. As my thinking has evolved, I have come to embrace the idea of what I like to call “labors of love” — proactive behaviors rooted in the need to make a positive difference in the lives of your family, you friends, your community and the world at large. Invest in yourself, but be sure not to jealously guard the rewards, because, in the words of Maya Angelou, “people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Labors of love are termed so because they require a sacrifice — of time, effort, and/or reward — in order to bring about the happiness or fulfillment of others. They are not transactional; there can be no expectation of reciprocity. There is no investment, no return — it is simply a gift of all that you are, bestowed unto others, whether they deserve it or not, for the simple reason that your heart is filled with grace and compassion such that no darkness can encroach upon it.

Both labors of love and acts of grace are rooted in and defined by what I like to call the One Hundred Virtues, a near exhaustive list of the positive values to which I subscribe and aspire, even I do not always successfully demonstrate:

Grace. Discipline. Equanimity. Charity. Compassion. Kindness. Love. Faith. Heart. Fidelity. Loyalty. Honesty. Charisma. Charm. Humor. Integrity. Respect. Patience. Humility. Steadfastness. Flexibility. Willpower. Piety. Intelligence. Knowledge. Experience. Wisdom. Insight. Foresight. Ambition. Reflection. Curiosity. Leadership. Perspective. Appreciation. Gratitude. Mindfulness. Gentility. Hospitality. Duty. Honor. Dignity. Principle. Judgment. Commitment. Poise. Serenity. Excellence. Trust. Empathy. Gallantry. Warmth. Reliability. Sacrifice. Responsibility. Thoughtfulness. Balance. Gravitas. Courage. Service. Vision. Passion. Energy. Magnanimity. Nobility. Benevolence. Tolerance. Acceptance. Sensibility. Confidence. Transparency. Maturity. Courtesy. Wit. Imagination. Conscience. Spirit. Creativity. Purpose. Diligence. Tact. Subtlety. Sincerity. Candor. Hope. Prudence. Sensitivity. Drive. Agility. Intensity. Solidarity. Resilience. Receptivity. Stoicism. Tenacity. Vitality. Frugality. Mercy. Daring. Discretion.

Power and privilege are wasted on relentless self-enrichment and glorification. It is selfishness of the highest order to deploy them to those ends when it can instead be put to work on behalf of the helpless, the downtrodden and the destitute. Lift up those who can’t lift themselves, take care of your family and friends, make sure that no one gets left behind or falls through the cracks. Shoulder the burdens that others can’t, be prepared to make the sacrifices they won’t, roll up your sleeves and be ready to go to war with a knife between your teeth to protect and uplift what you love. All else is spectacle; smoke and mirrors.

A fire left unattended will burn itself out and damage its surroundings, but a flame carefully stoked becomes a beacon in the darkness, a source of warmth and protection for all that are touched by its light.

Forged in fire, made of steel — today I feel sharper, stronger, and more imbued with purpose than I ever have at any point in my life. I have come to know myself more intimately than most will ever dare to attempt and for better or for worse, I have made my peace with who and what I am. I see further, hear better, and am better connected to others and the world around me. Though my ambitions have evolved and my passions have tempered, I feel like no matter what barriers the world erects in my path, there is nothing I do not have the power to accomplish, no obstacle I lack the fortitude to overcome.

But let it never be said that this did not come at a price.

Khalid — an Arabic masculine name meaning “Eternal”

Attalla — an Arabic masculine name meaning “Gift of God”